Momentary Escape

It seems rare these days that I have time to sit and do nothing.  I'm not saying that my schedule is busier than the average person, it's just that if I have a few hours off, I usually entertain myself with movies, eating, or friends/family.   It seems about once or twice a year I find myself alone for an extended period of time, bored of watching TV, having already completed chores that need to be done, and I have time to reflect.

Ed is on psychiatry call at the hospital tonight, and I just spent the last 2 hours cleaning our room (yes, it was that messy).  So, what do I do when I finally sit down to relax?...get on Facebook of course.  Instead of reading the latest status updates, or stalking some friends, I decided to look through some of my old photo albums.  You wouldn't think that would be exciting, considering I have all those pictures saved on my computer, and I was the one that posted them in the first place.  But tonight there was no agenda, no hustle or bustle, so I let my mind take a stroll down memory lane.  Before I knew it, my heart started aching.  Literally, I felt an emotional squeezing sensation in my chest.  Then my stomach started getting hyperactive.  Before I knew it, I was tearing up.  Here I am, sitting on my couch in the dark, all alone, with a computer on my lap, crying.

Why, you ask?  I have no idea. Which is why I decided to blog about it.  Maybe putting something down on paper would clear it up.  So from where did the emotions arise?  Are they happy or sad tears?  I think both.

Happy tears because I look back at all the incredible times I had growing into the woman I am today.  All the fun-loving, energetic, smart, talented people that I have come in contact with throughout my adult life.  I got to travel all over the world with my AIA soccer girls.  I was in the best shape of my life, battling my heart out on the field every Friday night and Sunday afternoon.  I was so proud every time I put on my jersey with either Kentucky or Texas A&M on the front.  Joyfully, I remember how I protected my heart and my body, saving it for my husband.  Happy tears pouring out, each symbolizing a different way I have been blessed with my experiences and friendships.

Sad tears for all the regrets.  Heartache for lost opportunities to share my faith with people I was with every day, but was too afraid they would think I was a freak if I showed them who I really was.  So many of the pictures I look back at from my UK undergraduate days, I can see how much I longed to be accepted.  It brings back the memories of always thinking I wasn't as pretty as my friends or as cool as my teammates.  Also, grief for not keeping up with the friends, especially those at A&M.  People that I love just as much today as when I was with them daily 3+ years ago, but don't talk to nearly as much as I know I should.

Most of all, I believe I cry because I know I can't recreate those times again.  As much as I want to go back to College Station and meet up with my best friends and create new memories, it won't be the same as when we were really in the moment.  I'll never be an Aggie soccer babe again.  I'll never have the hard rock abs and killer legs.  I'll never be single and free to do what I want, when I want.  I'll never get to have that first time "ah ha" moment when my faith became real.  I can't help but ponder, did I really take full advantage of that time in my life?

Where does that leave me now?  Tonight.  June 10, 2011.  I'm now very happily married, less than a year from becoming a doctor.  I have a wonderful home, a supporting family living in the same city, my health, and a future that is beautifully uncertain.  I'm filled with hope for how God will use me - as a wife, mother, physician, and friend.  Will I be moving half way around the world to Hawaii this time next year?  Or maybe I'll be going back to God's country, Texas?   Who knows?  But I do know that in a few years from now, I'll look back at my time during medical school and shed tears of joy and sorrow, much like tonight when I long for my undergraduate days.

My heart is full.  :)