Life Lessons

You know, it's funny. Life that is.



If you go through a rough patch, you tend to think that your current situation is so much worse than anyone else's. You automatically write off anyone else's worries or complaints with their job, or school, or personal life. "Well they don't have to study 24/7 and watch their social life go down the drain" or "they don't know what it's like to study 40 hours for a quiz and get a 40% on it" and you pridefully chuckle inside when you hear them say it's been a hard adjustment for them with their new job, because you just know deep down inside that your place in life is so much worse than their's.


I sit at a desk/library/coffee house almost all day long, studying muscle attachments and innervations, cell biology and histology, or embryology. I sit there and rack my brains, trying to find some way to fit one more piece of information up there. I become disillusioned when I turn the page to find another long list of things I have to memorize before Thursday. I then glance at the clock and see that almost half of my day is gone and I haven't really gotten anything accomplished yet. Then one of two things sets in: panic that I am never going to be able to pass this test, thus I will fail out of medical school and disappoint all the people that are expecting me to become a doctor, or I find a way to muster up a little pride and say that I am not going to be one of the people who fails. I am smarter than that! I can do it!


Either way, I am the center of this. All day, every day, I am thinking about myself. I haven't quite figured out if my selfishness has risen to a new level in the past 5 weeks since starting school, or if it is just now being revealed because I am being challenged more than I ever have. Either way, it must be said, I am selfish. No doubt about it.


Life is so much harder when it's all about you. When you can step back and see the big picture, a lot of your mountain-sized worries seem to become hills. When you can put your pride to the side and fully surrender to God and trust that He is in charge, there is a sense of freedom that comes with it. I don't have to worry about what kind of doctor I will become, or even more relevant to now, how well I will do on this upcoming examination. As long as I am a good steward of what he has given me and try my hardest, He will take care of the rest. And his plan is so much greater than anything I could ever dream up.


I was asked at my bible study tonight what my motivation in life is? Why I wake up in the morning and go to class? What my dreams are? My gut reaction to every single one of those questions was me, me, me. Sadly, my instinct wasn't to say "to serve God" or "get to know Him better". And I know those are sunday school answers that have been drilled in our heads since we learned John 3:16, but I guess right now I am now seeing the beauty in an answer like that. My life would have much greater purpose if I did truly wake up in the morning and look forward to finding out more about my Lord and falling more in love with Him, instead of just focusing on how I am going to survive medical school. Because frankly, that's depressing.


As most of you can tell by now, medical school hasn't been what I envisioned. I never thought it would be a cake walk, but I thought that if I put the time in and worked hard, I would do fine. That hasn't been the case. My grades are struggling and my attitude is right there with it. I am not liking the person that I am becoming.


Now my eyes have been opened to my faults and I am working day by day to improve my outlook on life. And more importantly, to find purpose in what I do. I am starting to see God more and more in my studies. When studying about human development, learning that a baby's heart is pumping at just 4 weeks old! When the baby is just centimeters long in a mother's womb it has a heart that is actually beating! Understanding all these embryonic foldings and cell differentiations and miracles that have to go into each and every one of us being normal is breath-taking. We can not be the product of random chance. There must be a God. And He must have a vision and plan for our lives.

Trust.

That's what it's all about. Give up your problems and worries, because this thing we call 'life' is just not about you.