It's still a part of me

I read a blog earlier this week of a friend who said she was just missing something in her life. She was a former college athlete like myself who was fessing up to the fact that she was not over it, not ready to put away those cleats and ball. When I read it, I understood where she was coming from, but I couldn't really identify with it. Yes, of course I miss soccer. It was a huge part of my life for 18 years. But now I've moved on to something even more challenging and demanding than college athletics was. I don't have much time to sit around and think of days of old, I'm too focused on staying afloat with medical school.

But then tonight, in an effort to procrastinate studying as much as possible, I got on to TexAgs to find the score of the Aggie soccer game tonight. Someone had posted a link to watch live video, so I quickly followed that and watched the second half of the game vs Nebraska. Almost half of the A&M team are newcomers, people I don't know personally, just names I've only read about in score columns. Yet, I sat here in my apartment, listening to the commentators talk about the game, hearing the faithful fans in the background doing yells, and seeing these girls fight their heart out on that field on Senior Night, and my world just stopped. I literally felt like time stood still for the first time in a long time. Where did the last year of my life go? It's been a year since I was there on that same field, celebrating the end of my career at A&M.


Being an Aggie soccer player was something that I never took for granted, praise the Lord. I truly believe I soaked up every second I had that maroon and white uniform on, completely living in the moment. I had experienced the other side of college athletics - two losing seasons, an outsider on my team, a verbally abusive coach, and zero self confidence. A&M turned my world upside down. The team accepted me with open arms, the coaches were excellent and sincerely cared about my well being, and I now proudly own 3 Big 12 Championship rings. I lived the dream for three years. Chartered flights, free gear, fame, and building life-lasting relationships. My club coach had always told me that college athletics would not be the same as club soccer; that club would be the most fun I'd ever have playing soccer in my life because once you reach the collegiate level, it's more of a business. Well he was wrong. That wasn't the case at A&M. That team was my family. I got invited by my coaches to Easter dinner because they knew I couldn't make it home for the holiday. Our director of operations invited me over to his house one night when he knew I was having a bad week dealing with scholarship and relationship problems. When Spencer died last year and I was supposed to leave practice early to go to the funeral, the coaches called practice early for everyone so that I wouldn't feel bad leaving or have to make a scene. What other program in the country is like that?


So tonight I was watching the team in a hard fought battle against the Huskers, and I thought I was over it. I thought I was doing well watching the game as just a spectator. But as soon as Hooper scored the game winning goal, everything changed. Seeing the girls celebrate and watching the fans go crazy got to me. Tears started forming and I didn't understand why. It's not like this was a huge game that the Ags had to win to save their season. Besides it being senior night, there was nothing special about the game. And that's when it hit me. It's not that I miss the game so much. I miss the team. A group of girls who'd do anything for me, who'd pick me up after I missed a critical shot and tell me I'll get the next one. The girls who'd make me cookies, or write me an encouraging note and leave it in my locker when things weren't going so great. Girls and coaches who still send me text messages while I'm up here in KY just saying they miss me. I miss jumping on Ashlee after she scores yet another goal, or hitting Ketchum or Petey in the chest like we're football players after they make an incredible defensive stop. The passion that I lived my life with day in and day out while I was in Aggieland will never be matched again.

So I realized something tonight: I'm not over it. And I doubt I will ever be. Because you can't get over something that made such a huge impression on your life. And while I don't want to live in the past, I am thankful that the past will always be a part of me. Because what I experienced for those three years was special, and I pray that I will never, ever get over it.






*first 3 pictures taken by Spencer Selvidge
1) Winning in 2OT against UNC (2006)
2) Cover of Battalion (2007)
3) Celebrating my goal against Mizzou at Big 12 Tourny (2007)
4) Senior night (2007)